10 Step Program to Prepare you for Life With Children
- Posted by:
- Michael Grose
It's hard to explain to the uninitiated the changes that a child will brin to your life - nothing is quite the same again. If you are an expectant mum or dad, or just considering the prospect of parenthood, I suggest you do the following 10-step program. Just so you know what you're in for.
1. Go to the nearest doctor's surgery, pharmacy, clothes store, shoe store or sports store and empty your wallet onto the counter. This will be a regular occurrence for the next two decades, if your lucky. The method of transaction may change but the continuous action of handing over your money will not.
2. Set your alarm for midnight, then every hour after that. Get up and walk to the furthest bedroom because that is what you will do at some stage, either to feed a baby or return a night-stalker to his room. Let your workmates see you with sleep deprivation - they will get used to it.
3. Put on your best clothes, mash a banana with custard and pour the contents over yourself. Smear it in. This will help your prepare for feeding time with a toddler. Don't bother smearing food over your old or worn-out clothes because kids won't spill anything on them. They know when you're wearing your best oufit before they strike.
4. Arrange a simple outing. Perhaps have a quick drink with a friend. Give yourself two hours to prepare. Make sure you dress yourself in five minutes so you can spend the rest of the time packing the car. Make sure you pack food. Go out to the car and come back. Repeat this process again and again. Then drive round the block and return. You need to get used to forgetting something such a child's favourite blanket or teddy.
5. Grab a book, sit down and open it. Make sure you get to an absorbing or exciting part, then get up to do part of a jigsaw puzzle, or turn on the tap for a child who wants a drink, or put together a 1000-piece Lego pirate ship. Return to your book but don't read any further. Go into the kitchen and chop up an orange or an apple for snack food. Go back to your book but don't read any further. Get up and yell something about not fighting because you're trying to relax.
6. Stand in front of the mirror and verbally abuse yourself. Tell yourself that you are silly, that you are unfair and that you really hate yourself. Your kids will tell you if you won't.
7. Cover your hands with jam and wander through the house, touching as many items of furniture as possible. Rub your hands along the walls. Turn on the TV and push the channel buttons a few times. Step in puddles then come inside and walk over your best chairs.
8. Bring in a load of tools and tip them over the middle of the living room floor. Leave them there all day. Then pack them up and tip them out again. Make sure you trip over them a few times so you get used to kids’ toys being
9. Take three untrained puppies shopping with you - but not on a lead. Buy what you need without letting them out of your sight. Then you’ll be ready to go shopping with a toddler.
10. Put a snake on your lap next time you phone a friend. This is what your child as a two year-old will feel like whenever you make a call. In fact, next time you want to make a call, turn the radio on really loud so you can get used to talking while all hell is breaking out at your feet.
If you are about to become a parent, then strap yourself in, because it’s long, fascinating journey. It’s full of ups and downs, challenges and joy. But as people who’ve been there before you have discovered, you wouldn’t have it any other way!
Welcome to parenthood!
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- for, parenthood, parenting, preparing, toddlers